Exploring Forgiveness (3 part series)

This is the third and final article in my three-part series about forgiveness. In my previous articles, I shared some examples of situations where I had a difficult time finding ANY reason to forgive.  I also wrote a few words about why a forgiveness is an important choice to consider. Today I’m asking, how I can forgive? How can I let go of offenses that caused so much pain, anger, and suffering in my life? Is forgiveness meant to be a choice each time a new offense comes my way? Or is there a simpler way? This article will discuss some different ways to embrace forgiveness in routine and relationship. Join me on my “journey” through forgiveness.

Part 3 (Practice and possibility)

Practice

When a conflict happens and we feel anger rise it shouldn’t always be seen as a BAD thing. Anger helps us know that something is not in balance in that relationship or inside ourselves. Anger is typically the default position of response. Easy to find and expected. It’s important that we respect these emotions of anger or sadness but equally important that we do not allow these emotions to control us.

Forgiveness should never betray our emotions. It’s better that we take a bit of time (preferably less than 24hr) to let our emotions steady before “attempting” to offer forgiveness that isn’t sincere and also betrays our emotions.  Our natural response to pain is similar to that of anger. We have a very strong primal reaction at the beginning. But as the pain subsides  we cool down and are able to let other more useful emotions take over. Even if you don’t feel like forgiving someone after this “cool down” period you may want to consider what emotions you are willing to carry on your heart until you feel like you are “ready” to forgive. I wrote a more detailed explanation of this in my 2nd article, section “For Ourselves”. (HERE)

Self-forgiveness

Yes. Ourselves.  This is one of the most difficult things to do. I have found that until I  forgive myself it is very difficult for me to forgive others. If I can’t even be kind or gracious to myself how can I ever do this authentically for someone else? The old saying “nobody is perfect” should never be an excuse. But it can be a good reality check. I will continue to make mistakes yesterday, today and tomorrow. I have a choice to either try to run from my mistakes or take ownership of them. In the past I was very hesitant to take ownership of them because they were always accompanied by guilt, shame, and resentment towards myself. Forgiving myself allowed me to escape these demotivating feelings and still acknowledge my faults and try to improve in the future.

Others

I gave up trying to determine whether or not someone is worthy of my forgiveness. Instead, I made a choice to live a lifestyle of forgiveness. Now instead of wasting my energy on judgment, I spend it on things I enjoy or help build me up. When forgiving others it’s very important to verbalize it.  I think the most common excuse for NOT telling someone you forgive them usually sounds like “Well, I”m not mad at them anymore, so I have forgiven them” or “We are getting along fine now, so why do I need to tell them, they know?”. The 2nd half of the phrase “forgive and forget” seems to be the only part practiced.  Maybe someone pulled out in front of you on the way to work. That person can be forgiven from your heart even if you do not have a chance to verbalize it.

Just because I have decided to ALWAYS forgive doesn’t mean I will put myself back into harmful, hurtful or unhealthy situations. That is reconciliation. Reconciliation requires trust, and trust can only be rebuilt when harmful behavior changes. Click here for a short article about the difference.

“I have a choice to either try to run from my mistakes or take ownership of them. In the past I hesitated to take ownership of them because they were always accompanied by guilt, shame, and resentment towards myself. Forgiving myself allowed me to escape these demotivating feelings and still acknowledge my faults and try to improve in the future.”

Need for forgiveness/Ability to forgive

I noticed a very interesting connection between my desire/need to be forgiven and my ability/capacity to forgive. When I accept myself and my mistakes and take ownership of them and forgive them, I increase my capacity to forgive others. It seems the same relation exists in regards to our need for love and our ability to love as well as trust (I’ll hopefully explore this topic in another post) 🙂

Faith

If you are a believer in historic Christianity and teachings of Jesus, there is additional help and support. There are a few teachings that would certainly imply we ought to forgive ourselves.

“Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new. “

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I’ve spent plenty of time and effort worrying and stressing about forgiving others and myself. If a perfectly just God is willing to forgive even the WORST offense we can commit, shouldn’t we also forgive ourselves?

Final

One of my favorite book as of late is “Boundaries” by Townsend and Cloud. I would highly recommend it if you are looking to improve your ability to handle and resolve conflict and generally improve your daily psychological and emotional health.

I hope that you will consider some of these stories and examples of forgiveness and decide for yourself if these practices can improve your life. My wish is that you will be able to find freedom and healing through it. Forgiveness is hard work. But carrying a lifetime of resentment, anger, guilt, and pain is even harder.

The Unsettled Settler

Exploring Forgiveness (3 part series)

This is part two of a three-part series about forgiveness. This article will explore what is possible when we forgive in an authentic way. And why it’s an important choice to consider. Join me on my “journey” through forgiveness.

Part 2 (freedom and heroes)

In my previous article (HERE), I shared some examples of situations where I had a difficult time finding ANY reason to forgive.  If I can’t find any logical reason that someone deserves forgiveness, why forgive?

Freedom

For ourselves

FOR OURSELVES! I would shamelessly argue this is one of the primary healthy motivators for us to consider choosing a life of forgiveness. Each of us has a capacity to carry a limited amount of emotions in our hearts. You can carry happiness, love, vengeance, anger, resentment and many other variations of those emotions. It is quite natural for us to have feelings of anger and prioritize this emotion when we have been hurt. Unfortunately, this can get in the way of emotions that would make us much happier. It’s up to you what kind of emotions you will choose to carry in your heart each day.

If your capacity to “feel” is being occupied with seeking “justice” from people who have hurt or offended you, this doesn’t leave much room for more enjoyable emotions like love, joy happiness. Also, it becomes quite difficult to heal from a wound when you continue to carry the blade of justice.  It’s possible to carry both positive and negative emotions toward someone at the same moment. This balancing act is tiresome and can create resentment. Good emotions that we previously had towards another are slowly eaten away by unforgiveness. The wound will become infected if left untreated. Eventually, it will lead to the death of trust and warmth in that relationship.

*NOTE There is a large difference between “forgiving” someone and being reconciled to them. There is also a huge difference between forgiveness and minimizing the offense. See the paragraph at the end of the article for a short explanation.

For Others

When we forgive others we release them from their “debts”. Justice becomes 2nd to grace.  In certain cases, the guilty individual who became cold, unkind, distant or depressed can be freed from these things when we choose forgiveness. There is not always a Hollywood ending when you tell someone you forgive them. Sometimes it reignites a conflict that the offender was hoping to forget, never to be confronted with it again. Of course, when we tell someone we forgive them for specific offenses, it indirectly implies they have done something wrong. For these situations, being forgiven feels the same as admitting guilt.  When we are offered forgiveness, our pride is on the front lines as a defense. Pride becomes one of the first casualties when we accept forgiveness.

Heroes

Did you ever notice when we watch movies or read stories the person we find ourselves really intrigued with and attracted to is the one who faced some large challenge but managed to rise above it? Usually, this is through some amazing virtue or character trait. Courage, honesty (when it really counted) humility or graciousness are all character traits (virtues) we can have built in ourselves.

There is an old saying that asks “When is a thief, not a thief”? If he stops stealing, is this enough to NOT be a thief? No! Rather, when he has paid back all he had stolen previously and no longer steals. Only then he is NOT a thief. Think of how this applies to forgiveness. Being gracious or forgiving (as a character trait)doesn’t only mean no longer seeking to punish the offender or bring them to justice. No, it means more than that. Choosing to actively express and communicate grace in words and action.

“it becomes quite difficult to heal from a wound while you continue to carry the blade of justice.”

Faith

Most faiths advocate for forgiveness in one form or another. In historic Christianity, there is a text where Jesus teaches how much forgiveness should be granted to the same individual. “You should forgive someone 70×7”. An exaggeration to prove a point. If you are wondering if this was meant to imply only people who are sorry for their wrong, probably not. In another verse, Jesus teaches “love your enemies and pray for them”. Enemies are not often apologizing. I defined these teachings as “historic Christianity”. There seems to be a large canyon between this and much of what I see people who call themselves “Christians” following and believing.

There are many positive consequences of making the choice to freely forgive, for both the offended and offender. We also have a choice of what kind of life and legacy we leave. Each person has the freedom to do what they want. Justice may permit us to seek re-payment for our losses. I am not interested in spending a lifetime trying to collect what I may never receive.

I mentioned that there is a large difference between forgiving and reconciling. “Boundaries” by Townsend and Cloud contains an excellent chapter on forgiveness. And the differences between the two. You can see a short excerpt here.

I will publish one last article about some ways you may decide to put your lifestyle of forgiveness into practice. I’d love to hear what motivates you to forgive. You can leave your comments below.

Exploring Forgiveness (3 part series)

This is part one of a three-part series about forgiveness. This article will explore how we define forgiveness. I’ll write two more articles in the coming weeks about what happens when we forgive others in a real way and some ideas on how to do this. Join me on my “journey” through this experience.

Part 1 (A choice of heart or mind?)

I often battle with myself trying to decide what people in what situations are deserving of my forgiveness. I usually start by weighing how severe the “crime” was in contrast to how much “positive” history we have together. Next, I wait for their apology. If an apology comes I usually believe they deserve to be forgiven.

But is this the way I really want to live with those around me? What if an apology never comes? Should forgiveness still be given? What should determine why we FORGIVE or DO NOT forgive? I’m starting to believe that if I use a “justice” based system to approve my choice to forgive. It’s likely not true forgiveness.  I”ll share a few stories that raised this question in my mind.

Justified forgiveness. Is it really forgiveness?

forgiven due to (positive history)

A few years ago, a close friend and confidant revealed information about some of my, hmm… how can I say, less than flattering behavior to some of my family members.This resulted in multiple family members guilting and shaming me because of what I had done. I felt betrayed because I had trusted him with this information and he shared it in a way that brought me pain. Although he committed this act of “treason” against me, we had many years enjoying each other’s friendship. Because of this, I was able to justify forgiving him. Even though he did not apologize. I didn’t ask him for an apology or mention anything to Him about it. It took me a few months to conclude I did not want to risk losing this friendship. I felt sad, angry, disappointed and distant during this time.

forgiven due to (apology)

During my late teenage years. I played in a band with my friend. We scheduled a fairly important show and had been practicing for nearly 2 months in preparation. 1 week before the show my friend called me and said he wasn’t going to play the show. I asked him why, and his answer was simply ” I don’t feel like this is something I want to do any longer” so he was stepping back and would not be playing at our show. It was a huge blow to our relationship. I thought this was a stable and trusting friendship. (note. A musician by definition is NOT stable 🙂  My friend did offer an apology and felt bad that he resigned. In spite of his last-minute breaking of commitment. I deemed him “worthy” of my forgiveness due to his apology. (If we use this method to determine whether forgiveness is offered we will often create an additional challenge for ourselves. Trying to determine if the offender was REALLY sorry, or only just saying they were)

If I only forgive someone when I am able to find a reason why it’s deserved is it really forgiveness? Or am I only trying to preserve what that specific relationship offers me? Maybe I don’t want to risk losing companionship, shared interests, attention, sexual benefits or ______?

What happens when I face a situation where I cannot find a justifiable reason to forgive? Another story…

Unforgiven?

I grew up in a family similar to many others. For most, it’s a mix of good and bad experiences. This story relates to my mother. My mother had many faults that affected our family in a negative way. The fact that each of us has faults or that they affect those around us negatively is not uncommon. Actually, it’s completely normal. But healthy people take the time to apologize for their wrongs and try harder next time to avoid repeating the same mistakes. (often this requires counseling or other professional therapy).

My mother was not one to apologize. In spite of feeling bad for what she had done or said, she had a very difficult time apologizing or taking responsibility for her hurtful actions. Any number of reasons can make it difficult for someone to apologize even if they feel guilty.(I will try to reveal a bit more about this in article 3). Even as she was suffering from cancer for 3 years that led up to her death (in early 2016). She was unable or unwilling to apologize for most of her wrongs. In this situation, I was faced with a big challenge. As I reflected, I had a list a mile long of things that my mother hurt me or my family with.The list wrongs are long enough and deep enough that I struggle to find justifiable reasons that forgiveness is deserved.

I had to come to terms with the fact that I will never hear an apology from my mother or see her adjust her behavior towards me or my family. I will never see a restoration of healthy family relations. My thoughts could not produce an acceptable solution. I realized that when there is no apology and no change of attitude from the guilty, forgiveness becomes a choice of the heart, not of the mind.

“Forgiveness can only be given or received when we realize that neither others nor ourselves deserve it.”

undeserved favor

Look up the meaning of the word “grace” and you will find an explanation of “undeserved favor”. Ironically, this was one of my mothers’ favorite words. The root of authentic forgiveness is born in the definition of grace. Forgiveness is only possible when we come to terms with the idea that forgiveness cannot be earned or deserved. I think we often resist this idea because deep down we know that WE ALSO will need to be forgiven by others. In some twisted selfishness, I would like to think others will forgive me because I deserve it. Because I was good to them, because I was honest (most of the time). Because I tried to help or be kind in the past. None of this makes us deserving of forgiveness. Forgiveness can only be given or received when we realize that neither others nor ourselves deserve it.

There is a very well written chapter on forgiveness in the book “Boundaries” by Townsend and Cloud. You can see a short excerpt here.

When I reflect on all the wasted months and years carrying anger in my life I can see the loss of so much happiness and enjoyment I could’ve had in my relationships. I am very grateful that I was able to discover this “secret” of forgiveness relatively early in my life. In my next article I”ll talk about the effects of forgiveness on ourselves and others, and why forgiveness may be a good choice even when the offender doesn’t deserve it!  I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post or some feedback about how YOU define forgiveness.

I have heard many people tell me how much they hate their job or how they have a difficult time finding meaning in their work. The idea of spending most of our “working” hours in jobs that intrinsically have deeper meaning and purpose is an inspiring idea. Yet most of us will spend at least a share of our life in seemingly meaningless jobs. But are they truly meaningless if they do not engage our deeper emotions or humanitarian visions? Have we failed to live up to our potential as a human being? Or is there something of value still to be found?

a purpose in enablement

When I realized the primary (or maybe only) reason I was keeping the job I had was for a paycheck, a red flag was raised. I found no passion in my work, no healthy challenge. Many of my friends in large cities seem to wrestle with this. They achieve a career goal of position or salary, then find their free time or quality of life to be almost non-existent. This is not a good place to remain in life but it could be an important step in enabling other goals. For example, provides enough money for hobbies outside of working hours, pays your rent and feeds your family.  Maybe this salary can enable the NEXT STEP in life. Starting your own business, trying to write and publish a book, taking an extended travel around the world or finding other interesting ways to give back to the world around you?

A Meaning in change

Maybe your 40hr workweek is spent doing a job that you find intrinsic meaning in. If you are one of these people that have the opportunity to quit your “day job” and work in something that you are passionate about and it provides enough money to feed yourself and put a roof over your head, better yet. As a musician and writer, I am very fortunate to finally be focusing on my creative pursuits. This moment didn’t arrive without many years (appx 10) of working on some business projects I had very little passion for.

frozen identity

There can be a real struggle to leave our jobs behind. Frequently, even if we hate our work, our identity is tied closely to the position we hold or the money we make that even the thought of quitting would totally undermine our image of ourselves. (a professional or economic success for example) Learning how to divorce who we are from what we do can be a painful, yet worthwhile practice. (click HERE for a previous article I published about this topic)

a question of value

It all comes down to what we value. Money is very valuable if we have little to none of it. If there is a sufficient amount of money to cover basic living expenses, then our emotional well being, stress, and self-development start rising in value.  Maybe you are a person who really likes brand name clothes or more expensive cars and furniture. If so, you will likely need to sacrifice more of your time, effort and potential well being to have them.  (Sacrifice is a very uncommon path in a world where we are accustomed getting what we want NOW!) There is nothing wrong with appreciating quality possessions. As long as you are aware where these things belong within your value system.

Well done

Sometimes I overlook the value simply in doing something well. Especially when doing menial tasks. When I think about it a little deeper I have new thoughts…Why would I want to be the type of person that does work less than my potential? The Hebrews had some wisdom recorded in Ecclesiastes 9:10, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.”

Final steps

We won’t always enjoy what we do. But with a little awareness and intention, seemingly meaningless jobs can provide purpose and potential for goals not yet grasped. I hope after reading this article you may see the 5 steps between where you are and where your goal is may very well contain a “meaningless” job. Maybe you feel like you are almost at the peak of a mountain. You have been climbing hard for quite some time. Now you feel the fear of uncertainty, what lies on the other side? Some parts of the unknown can only be discovered by “going” (read MORE). Fear not, step forward.

…the unsettled settler

“He went out, not knowing where he was going.” Hebrews 11:8

going

We are all going somewhere. Even those who chose to stay put geographically. This old text from the book of Hebrews inspired me in a new way today. It resonates deeply with a “searching” that many of us find ourselves in while taking steps of “faith” in our lives.  There is NOT ONLY a spiritual implication to this text, but also a inerhently human one.

Going

Sometimes the choices we make do not direct us TOWARDS a specific identifiable end. They are only choices AWAY from something we are already familiar with. For example, I remember choosing to leave my family farm when I was 19 years old to pursue an education in sound engineering. This meant I had to leave the farm and apply myself to studying. In this choice I did not know where I was going, only THAT I WAS GOING. (I wound up studying in IRELAND) The choice to leave the familiar is challenging.I needed to place some level of trust in my own ability to make a choice. (for many including myself) A trust in a higher power also, to lead me safely to my final destination. (figuratively, and literally)

Gone

This text may not contain the destination details for this Unsettled Settler. But it clearly shows that this individual felt so strongly about GOING that HE WENT. As I read this, I’m encouraged to put away my fear about taking steps towards something not yet totally defined. There are many times where I made choices and started 2nd guessing myself. I often find myself caught between anxiety or not caring anymore. This third option of accepting an unknown destination appears to have the best outcome.

Maybe it’s the choice to end a relationship does not build you up or that is harming you? Or a choice to physically change locations and live a new life somewhere else? Maybe it’s the choice to pursue a new passion or art? Or finding a way to “reset” an existing relationship? Whatever you mean to do, wherever you believe you should go. The most important part is to “go out” and take faith that many unsettled settlers before you have started their journey unsure of where they were going.